David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Author: David M. Green

Booth Reviews from the Booth Connoisseur

Hello booth enthusiasts!

FINALLY! There is now a source of wisdom, experience and an archive of booth reviews from someone with an honorary mail-order degree in “booth-onomy” (i.e. me), for all your booth seating needs!

As anyone who knows me knows already, if there’s one type of seating I would willingly take a bullet for, it’s booth seating. Call it nostalgia. Call it insecurity. Call the authorities. I love booths, and I make no apologies, except to maybe some of the restaurant staff I’ve complained to in the past due to the lack of adequate booths. I know it’s not your fault, you just work there, but I’m passionate about parking my arse, and let me tell you, nothing beats backing your butt into a well-designed booth. But that’s just the thing… in Adelaide, it’s hard to find a good booth these days…

Oh, I’ve travelled to America. I’ve experienced perfection when it comes to booth seating. So that’s why I’ve decided to put my experience, opinion and humongous ego to good use, for once. From now on, every time I dine in a booth, I shall make some notes and document the experience in blog form, for those of you who share my love of booths, and who might want to save some time by skipping the crap ones. Of course, many of you will say “what good is a booth if the food is terrible?” Good point. That certainly is a factor in forming an opinion of a restaurant, eatery or any other food emporium. But menu quality has little correlation to booth quality. Booths are a whole different kettle of fish. Indeed, being served an actual kettle of fish doesn’t necessarily immediately indicate a bad booth… Although surely that restaurant has other problems; kitchen staff with dementia, for one… Regardless, my booth reviews will be just that: a review of The Booth.

For my inaugural booth review, I chose the 1950’s-themed Hungry Jacks (or “Jaccas,” which is a term my good friend Adam Navarro is trying to popularise) at Westfield Marion shopping centre, located in the southern suburbs of Adelaide, South Australia, pictured above (taken by photography’s Tim Wray).

Marion Hungry Jack’s (Jacca’s) Booth Review

Cleanliness:

Fair. Some remaining crumbs from previous booth-goers.

Material:

Fair. Pleasing colour scheme. Although the back part of the booth was cushioned, the base was not, giving the appearance the booth was only half-constructed.

Comfort:

Good contour. Despite half-finished appearances, the booth was actually quite comfortable.

Depth:Height Ratio:

Very good. Near perfect. Back of the booth could be a little higher.

Distance to Table:

Good. Could be a little more enclosed (for my liking, anyway. I’m 183cm and 73kg for those who are interested).

Overall Score:    72%

Good. An enjoyable dining experience, but by far not the perfect booth.

Stay tuned to this website (bad analogy) for more booth reviews some other time in the future, you know… if I feel like doing another one.

Kind regards,
David M. Green
Dining at a booth near you

April 24, 2009
Carole Whitelock’s invitation to The Dream Factory

Hey hey,

What a bizarre situation I found myself in yesterday… After a chance meeting with 891 ABC Adelaide’s own Carole Whitelock, whilst working at the Palace Nova cinema (I was working there, not her, obviously), one thing lead to another (no, not in THAT direction…) and she invited me onto her radio show!

I’m of course no stranger to ABC 891. Last year I made some appearances and performed sketch comedy for Peter Goers. Funnily enough, it was that experience, combined with listening to a lot of AM radio in general, that provided the inspiration for my latest comedy show “On The Yacht.” The show featured a number of characters, most of which were based on other personalities from the AM-band. And there I was, ON one of the very shows we, let’s be honest, pillaged for material, talking about how we did it…

I was allowed to play a couple of clips from “On The Yacht.” Surreal to hear them broadcast via amplified modulation, presumably to an audience, which was a nice change. And so much fun. Had a slight technical problem recording it, but hopefully I’ll have the audio up here soon. It’s light entertainment, so I couldn’t be too zany. But then again, that’s what “On The Yacht” was all about… at least, initially… but then it got pretty zany at the end… I think we had a ghost in the studio at one point…

But anyway, here’s the clip: Click here click here click here. And thank you also to Elk and Robbie, Carole’s fantastic producers, who, unlike certain others that shall remain nameless, managed to play the sketches without cutting them off with a bushfire alert.

Kind regards,
David M. Green
Bringing back the Hawaiian shirt

April 16, 2009
Trees: A Sound Experiment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPIxhWK5tFo

Hey and hello, etc.

David M. Green once again, speaking to you via the medium of blog, not to be confused with the medium of log. Although you could be forgiven for making that assumption, considering the topic of this particular entry. Behold my latest straight-to-The-Internet sketch!

In this short visual motion picture film, I attempt to find the answer to the age-old question, if a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one’s around, does it make a sound? I spared no expenses, excluding ‘money’ of course… and ‘time’ I suppose… But I can assure you I spared no amount of ‘thinking.’ But why did I make this sketch? You just can’t leave it alone can you… Na, you’re ok. In fact it was my audition video for a new Zapruder’s Other Films/ABC TV show to be aired in late 2009, code-named “Project NEXT.” Alas I was not successful. I’m guessing they were looking for someone who took the audition seriously… But no loss. At the very least it was an excuse to finally get around to filming this sketch, which I actually wrote back in 2004!

So please enjoy, if you haven’t played the video already, “Trees: A Sound Experiment” by me, David M. Green.

Kind regards,
David M. Green
Who I just said I was

April 5, 2009
The Partially Complete News from Tim Wray

Greetings,

As anyone who listened to the latest satirical radio show I was kinda involved with would know, and anyone who didn’t wouldn’t, but will soon… a staple segment of On The Yacht was a cross to Voice-Over’s Tim Wray, in the news room. And now, for no reason, here are 10 of his very fake and somewhat hilarious news breaks:

News Update #1 – Blood, Finance & Snow
News Update #2 – Sports, Ships & Celebrities
News Update #3 – Trials, Traffic & The Middle East
News Update #4 – Classifieds, Politics & Traffic
News Update #5 – Vienna, Telecommunications & Killer Campervans
News Update #6 – Pronunciation, Markets & RIP Brian Simmons
News Update #7 – Feminism, Adult Relaxation & Melbourne
News Update #8 – Fire, Obituaries & Nick Blue
News Update #9 – Weather Alert, A Fleeting Affair & Bad Traffic
News Update #10 – Lottery numbers, Child Abduction & Asbestos

And for the fanatical, you can learn how to make a bomb here, or if you’re just a fan of Tim Wray, there are a few little extra ‘breaking news’ sketches on the On The Yacht page. Enjoy. Or perhaps not. Up to you!

Kind regards,
David M. Green
Hmmm… news…

April 2, 2009
Grandma’s Funeral and thoughts on Life

Hello,

Yesterday I attended my Grandma’s funeral at the beautiful Middlebrook Estate in McLaren Vale. It was a fitting service. I remember Grandma once told me she never wore black to a funeral, preferring instead to wear bright blue. So at her request, none of the guests wore black. It was one of the most brightly dressed groups of people I’ve seen. I myself wore a blue tie.

Grandma loved clothes and designed many of her own outfits, and some of them were on display, as were some of her paintings she had painted herself. She really did make the most of life. She got out there and loved trying new things and loved showing her friends and family a good time. The music at the funeral reflected her love of musicals. And at the end, a lone bag-piper played ‘Amazing Grace’ as her hearse drove away. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the end sequence of ‘Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Kahn,’ but I was probably in the minority. Even so, it made the moment no less moving.

I even learnt some things about her I didn’t know, especially about her younger years. For example, I had no idea she wanted to be an actress and joined a theatre company, and then for a while, she wanted to be a journalist. I’d almost forgotten she used to do a lot of creative writing. She encouraged me too when I began to show an interest in it. And at age 19, after a failed romance, she ran away with a friend to Melbourne and worked at a hotel. It sounded almost like a movie. Speaking of which, another interesting fact (that I knew already), in 1945 at the age of 15, she talked her way into a job as an usherette at the Regency theatre on Rundle Street, when at the time the minimum age for an usherette was 18. And funnily enough, on an interesting side note, I myself currently work at a cinema on Rundle Street.

It was truly a celebration of the life of Terri Lawlor-Smith. No religious stuff. Just her life story, some testimonials, some anecdotes, lots of bright colours, delicious food and uplifting music. Some may say it wasn’t your “traditional” funeral, but really, who are they? It’s exactly the way Grandma would want us to remember her. She lived in the moment. She used to say she never worried about yesterday, because you couldn’t change it, and it wasn’t worth worrying about tomorrow, because it might never come. If there’s one thing we can learn from the life of my Grandma, it’s to remember that life is a precious gift. So don’t waste it sitting in a darkened room watching reality television, getting angry over something insignificant or worrying about the future. I mean sure, there’s a time and a place; don’t be reckless. But remember to enjoy yourself. You only get one shot at it. No regrets. And be nice to people, or at the very least, be less of a jerk, because life is just too short to worry. Live.

Yours sincerely,
David M. Green

March 30, 2009