David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Author: David M. Green

  • What’s the Big Idea?

    Hello to you, you savvy Internet-user type person,

    It was a rich experience, that is for certain! For the last 3 days I’ve been walking around the Adelaide showgrounds for the 2008 Conmex Infrastructure Expo. Although unlike most people there, I was dressed as a giant light-bulb! Woah… woah, I anticipate your inquisition, so calm down… Allow me to explain WHY I, a respectable up-standing member of society, was doing such a thing…

    Recently I signed up with a promotions company called Flair Personnel. “Why not?” I thought, it’s something to do. Then I got a call that pretty much went “Hey, wanna be a light-bulb?” I paused for a moment… before replying “Oh man, I have GOT to do this!” Ever since I was hassled by the characters at Disney World when I was 11, I’ve always wanted to give such a thing a try. The feeling of being hidden behind a mask, and being free to clown around with total anonymity… What a great opportunity for some physical comedy, which I rarely chance to do!

    So I went to Adelaide’s fabulous Wayville showgrounds, behind the recently demolished Centennial Hall, for the Infrastructure Expo. I was there to promote CMA Recycling: Australia’s 3rd largest recycling company, specialising in metal recycling, including those metals found in old light globes (thus the costume). Also at the CMA stand was Karl Verkus, CMA’s Strategic Marketing Manager. Great guy. One of the best bosses I’ve ever had. We spent a lot of time chatting about Adelaide and the differences between Adelaide and Sydney, his current home city, as well as his home country of Germany. Here’s a photo of us (I’m the one on the left… obviously):

    Inside the light-bulb, I was a crowd pleaser, giving high-fives and posing for photos, as well as sneaking up on people (hehehe). The costume wasn’t very maneuverable though. I couldn’t do much with my arms, other than wave and give a ‘thumbs-up,’ and I couldn’t move too fast for fear of knocking stuff over with my giant balloon head. It was actually a balloon. I wore a harness with a battery and air-circulating machine that kept the costume inflated, as well as giving me air to breath. I need that to live, you see…

    But outside the light-bulb too, I also met and talked to lots of interesting people. I’m somewhat of an infrastructure enthusiast myself anyway. I spent about 10 minutes in front of the SA Government exhibit reading all about the new Northern Expressway and the rail electrification plan (dressed as the light-bulb! haha!). And I consider myself an environmentalist at heart, so it was convenient for me to be promoting a company that does a lot of good for the environment; recycling and remediation. It’s actually quite fascinating. Take a look at the CMA website to see for yourself.

    But all in all, a fantastic and fun, albeit tiring, experience! Plus the highest paid hourly rate I’ve ever received! Another example of the David M. Green you all know and love, living up to his name.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Enlightened Individual

  • Tastes in Jackets Shared with Crispin Glover

    Hey slackers! (it’s a “Back to the Future” reference – No offence intended)

    Wow! I can cross another thing of my rapidly fulfilled “list of things to do before I die” because last night I met Crispin Glover! Crispin Glover is of course best known for his brilliant performance as George McFly in the 1985 motion picture “Back to the Future.” However, he was in Australia on a lecture tour of sorts. He first read from some of his books, and then we watched his experimental film “It is Fine! EVERYTHING IS FINE!” before a lengthy and fascinating Q&A session. Amongst other things Crispin recounted the details of his memorable 1987 Late Night with David Letterman appearance. As my good friend Nick Godfrey said, it was worth the $40 ticket just to hear him talk about that!

    As for this “list of things to do before I die” I keep referring to, allow me to explain my thinking here because sure, “meeting Crispin Glover” is a little obscure. It’s more like a blank list that’s gradually being added to, as opposed to a list where things are being crossed off as I complete them. I was sitting at home on my computer, and I discovered Crispin Glover was coming to Adelaide, and I thought “See Crispin Glover in real life? …Hmm, yeah, that’s something I’d like to do with my life and limited monetary resources.” And it was great being able to talk to him afterwards and tell him in person how much I enjoyed his performance in “Back to the Future” because it’s one of my favourite movies and I spent many many schoolyard lunch hours quoting that trilogy with my friends (namely John Timoney). He replied with “Thank you. Yeah, I’m proud of that.” Another treasured memory. Well worth it.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    One “Creepy Thin Man” to another

  • Lack of Seating Forces Sketch Comedian to Stand…-Up

    Good (insert appropriate time period here),

    Hello again, David M. Green… I mean, I’M David M. Green. I’m not calling YOU David M. Green and saying hello to you. That would be inefficient. Only a hand-full of other people in the world are called David M. Green… Also, it’s pretty silly. My apologies… BUT ANYWHO… Last Thursday I comically stood-up and did some stand-up comedy at Adelaide’s fabulous “The Rhino Room.” Funnier than the last time. Plus I wore a tie! Enjoy!

    http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw9Pg8BET1A

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Card-carrying member of ‘The Blood Club’

  • Commercial Television’s Worst Nightmare

    FINALLY! The good people at Roy Morgan Research have knocked on my door and for once it is I, David M. Green… who get to contribute to the official Australian television and radio ratings… And you can bet your sweet ass I’m going WAAAAAAYYYYY out of my way this week to avoid watching and listening to the vacuous, sensationalised, reality, celebrity, commercial-driven CRAP that comprises 90% of the content that infects our screens and speakers!

    This week, I’m supporting outstanding comedy, professional journalism and TV and radio programmes that are ACTUALLY entertaining. I’m taking so much satisfaction in putting an ‘x’ under the ABC’s fantastic new comedy series ‘Very Small Business’ and leaving blank boxes under ‘Taken Out,’ ‘Make me a Supermodel,’ ‘Today Tonight,’ ‘A Current Affair,’ ‘Neighbours,’ ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ ‘Crash Investigation Unit’ and all those other appalling programmes clogging our screens that were obviously thought up during someone’s lunch break.

    But what’s that you say? Hey David you hypocrite, you worked for SAFM, a notoriously commercial radio station! Well firstly, astute observation and well articulated. And secondly, allow me to explain my philosophy on the issue… Sure, I’ll work for commercial media if they pay me (it’s lots of fun!), BUT… I’ll sure as hell never stop trying to get genuinely funny, innovative, intelligent and downright entertaining ideas past the suits and the censors. Good comedy requires risk taking. Commercial media in Australia doesn’t like to take risks. They like to stick with what’s tried and true, which is why they more often than not just copy a concept that’s a few years old, which the more media savvy have already seen on BBC, HBO, ABC (Australian Broadcasting Corporation) or downloaded themselves. And if a TV or radio station is making crap, there’s no motivation for John Q. Public to put away the pirated DVDs and the .mp3 player. If you don’t take risks and get out in front of the pack, you’ll never do anything outstanding…  That’s why in Australia, the ABC doesn’t only make the best comedy, they make the best television! And ‘Very Small Business,’ Wednesday nights 9:30pm on the ABC, is the funniest Australian show on TV at the moment. I cannot recommend it enough.

    Now I also realise I’m a 21-year old male, allegedly the most difficult demographic to crack. And I’m certainly no ordinary representative from my demographic (eg. I have a 142 IQ and love obscure ’80s New Wave music). But I don’t mind going on record as saying most commercial TV and radio in Australia is terrible, because I reckon I know how to make it better… Specific criticism is available upon request. Oh yeah, I really miss ‘Get This’ with Tony Martin, Ed Kavalee and Richard Marsland. There hasn’t been a commercial radio show worth listening to since then in my opinion, and my ratings book is certainly going to reflect my qualms.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Tellin’ it like it is, and desperately wanting to fix it.

  • How to Waste Steve Carell’s Time!

    Hey folks,

    If you want to know how to waste Hollywood actor and comedian Steve Carell’s precious time, this is the blog entry for you! The following expert advice can help you achieve your goal of wasting the time of not only Steve Carell, but a veritable plethora of celebrities, actors, musicians, war veterans, elected officials and anyone else who works for a living, and who’s time equals money. Here’s what you need to do:

    1. Arrange an interview or gain access to a press conference with celebrity, eg. Steve Carell.
    2. Don’t see his/her new movie/song/policy, eg. The 40 Year Old Virgin.
    3. Don’t prepare any relevant questions.

    IT’S JUST THAT EASY! And now with the Internet, not only can you waste Steve Carell’s time, but thousands of suckers searching YouTube for entertainment. Here’s an example from avid celebrity time-waster and self, David M. Green:

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Go fourth and annoy!