David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Author: David M. Green

  • Commercial Television’s Worst Nightmare

    FINALLY! The good people at Roy Morgan Research have knocked on my door and for once it is I, David M. Green… who get to contribute to the official Australian television and radio ratings… And you can bet your sweet ass I’m going WAAAAAAYYYYY out of my way this week to avoid watching and listening to the vacuous, sensationalised, reality, celebrity, commercial-driven CRAP that comprises 90% of the content that infects our screens and speakers!

    This week, I’m supporting outstanding comedy, professional journalism and TV and radio programmes that are ACTUALLY entertaining. I’m taking so much satisfaction in putting an ‘x’ under the ABC’s fantastic new comedy series ‘Very Small Business’ and leaving blank boxes under ‘Taken Out,’ ‘Make me a Supermodel,’ ‘Today Tonight,’ ‘A Current Affair,’ ‘Neighbours,’ ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ ‘Crash Investigation Unit’ and all those other appalling programmes clogging our screens that were obviously thought up during someone’s lunch break.

    But what’s that you say? Hey David you hypocrite, you worked for SAFM, a notoriously commercial radio station! Well firstly, astute observation and well articulated. And secondly, allow me to explain my philosophy on the issue… Sure, I’ll work for commercial media if they pay me (it’s lots of fun!), BUT… I’ll sure as hell never stop trying to get genuinely funny, innovative, intelligent and downright entertaining ideas past the suits and the censors. Good comedy requires risk taking. Commercial media in Australia doesn’t like to take risks. They like to stick with what’s tried and true, which is why they more often than not just copy a concept that’s a few years old, which the more media savvy have already seen on BBC, HBO, ABC (Australian Broadcasting Corporation) or downloaded themselves. And if a TV or radio station is making crap, there’s no motivation for John Q. Public to put away the pirated DVDs and the .mp3 player. If you don’t take risks and get out in front of the pack, you’ll never do anything outstanding…  That’s why in Australia, the ABC doesn’t only make the best comedy, they make the best television! And ‘Very Small Business,’ Wednesday nights 9:30pm on the ABC, is the funniest Australian show on TV at the moment. I cannot recommend it enough.

    Now I also realise I’m a 21-year old male, allegedly the most difficult demographic to crack. And I’m certainly no ordinary representative from my demographic (eg. I have a 142 IQ and love obscure ’80s New Wave music). But I don’t mind going on record as saying most commercial TV and radio in Australia is terrible, because I reckon I know how to make it better… Specific criticism is available upon request. Oh yeah, I really miss ‘Get This’ with Tony Martin, Ed Kavalee and Richard Marsland. There hasn’t been a commercial radio show worth listening to since then in my opinion, and my ratings book is certainly going to reflect my qualms.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Tellin’ it like it is, and desperately wanting to fix it.

  • How to Waste Steve Carell’s Time!

    Hey folks,

    If you want to know how to waste Hollywood actor and comedian Steve Carell’s precious time, this is the blog entry for you! The following expert advice can help you achieve your goal of wasting the time of not only Steve Carell, but a veritable plethora of celebrities, actors, musicians, war veterans, elected officials and anyone else who works for a living, and who’s time equals money. Here’s what you need to do:

    1. Arrange an interview or gain access to a press conference with celebrity, eg. Steve Carell.
    2. Don’t see his/her new movie/song/policy, eg. The 40 Year Old Virgin.
    3. Don’t prepare any relevant questions.

    IT’S JUST THAT EASY! And now with the Internet, not only can you waste Steve Carell’s time, but thousands of suckers searching YouTube for entertainment. Here’s an example from avid celebrity time-waster and self, David M. Green:

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Go fourth and annoy!

  • (Sur)Real Interview with Larry David

    [youtube]http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=_RCMVFFhiAw[/youtube]

    Hello,

    Last year I flew to Los Angeles and interviewed ‘Seinfeld’ co-creator and star of HBO’s ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm,’ Larry David, over lunch at an exclusive LA restaurant. You know, one of those fancy places where all the walls are painted different colours… I didn’t bring my video camera, as it was a radio interview, but I have reconstructed the events of that afternoon using still photographs taken at the time by a crazed fan… Enjoy.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Sheathed Enthusiasm

  • Witty ’80s TV Commercial Nerd

    Salutations viewer!

    David M. Green here. I was recently looking through an old cupboard and I found an equally old VHS tape of the 1985 Australian Grand Prix. Upon viewing the tape for nostalgic purposes, I noticed the original TV commercials, which were also included on the tape, were repeatedly ridiculous, and therefore worthy of ridicule. Thus the above “straight-to-YouTube” sketch, made for your amusement. It’s kind of like YouTube’s “Angry Video Game Nerd” but wittier and less angry… and not about video games obviously… Equally as nerdy of course. Enjoy.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    (Insert classical music here)

  • I’m DEVO and so is my wife!

    Hello Spuds (People)!

    I can cross another thing of my “To do before I die” list, because last night I saw DEVO play live when they performed a selection of their patented digital cartoons (songs) at Adelaide’s Thebarton Theatre! Oh man/woman they were awesome!

    They played predominantly from their Greatest Hits, although there were a few more obscure tracks thrown in there, such as “Going Under” and “Blockhead” which I wasn’t expecting but thoroughly enjoyed. As I practically like every single one of their songs, I obviously was never going to hear all the ones I wanted. I would have liked to hear some of their post-1982 songs, but I’m probably in the minority… There sure were a lot of single bald men in the audience though… But don’t let their naked craniums fool you! I was beat fair and square by one of them when DEVO started flinging energy domes into the crowd… jerk… that energy dome had my name on it. I mean, they sell them for $30! I was going to have an ’80s party and use them as chip bowls…

    It was a slight shock though to see them in real life. I’d just finished watching a couple of their DVDs, which consist mostly of their original music videos and some live shows from circa 30 years ago. For a second when they walked out on stage I thought they were wearing plastic masks os something (which they often do), but indeed it was pure DEVO. I loved it! I’m a HUGE DEVO FAN! I brought my camera along, but it was dark and the vibrations from the several hundred “moshing” DEVO-tees (fans) around me made it difficult to focus on Mark’s trademark glasses. These were the best:

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Are we not men? (that’s sexist)