David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: Crocmedia

  • 2020 Hindsight

    Well the results are in for 2020 and, yeah not so good.

    I began the first day of the decade by panelling some radio on SEN for that fabulous public holiday money, then heading to the beach at Black Rock with Annika. I remember feeling a bit guilty about lying on the sand in the sun while on other beaches around the country, people were being evacuated in landing craft by the navy as the ‘Black Summer’ bushfires raged through communities. Of course, our prime minister pissed off to Hawaii and then had his office lie about it so maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself.

    In the days that followed, Melbourne became choked with smoke and briefly had the worst air quality in the world. You knew it was bad when you started seeing white people walking around wearing masks.

    For the 4th year in a row I was an audio operator at the Australian Open. Early on when they were testing the sound and light show, I saw a spotlight cutting a beam through Rod Laver Arena. My first thought was “oh, I didn’t think they were using the smoke machine for this?” No, they weren’t. That was just the smoke from the bushfires INSIDE the arena with its closed roof.

    Had a nice distraction from struggling to breathe when my good friend Tim Wray discovered my driver’s licence was being used on the Optus website, unknown to me. You can read all about that here, here and here. Also here, here, here, here and here. And here. Also on this error-riddled article that looks like it was written by a bot.

    Then it was back to the ABC’s Southbank studios for the usual tomfoolery on season 11 of Shaun Micallef’s Mad as Hell. No better place to be for the 10th anniversary of my move to Melbourne.

    The first half of the season was business as usual. Mum even came over from Adelaide to see a taping. That’s her in the yellow jacket and the same hair style as Michelle Brasier’s character:

    My brother Luke enjoyed watching that on TV back in Adelaide:

    But that little story about a new coronavirus outbreak in China turned into a story about people trapped on cruise ships, then the health system in northern Italy being overrun by cases, then Iran and New York and every day it seemed to just get closer and closer to home until quite suddenly the Grand Prix in Melbourne was cancelled and we got the call we couldn’t have a studio audience. Like, literally one morning Shaun was saying he reckoned we should be able to make it through the last 6 episodes with our audience and then a few hours later, nup. But I suppose we were lucky to be able to continue at all. Fortunately the ABC is an essential service.

    The writers kept coming to the office for a couple more weeks and then we all just wrote from home. We were also only allowed at the taping on the Tuesday night if we were an extra in a sketch. Otherwise, we could watch a live stream at home or just wait til Wednesday night and watch it on TV with everyone else.

    The show itself was a little bit different without a studio audience and it took some getting used to the sudden absence of laughter, but I think we adapted quite well. Sometimes it was better actually because you could hear every word. Personally though, nothing beats a big laugh from a crowd to give a joke that undisputed tick of approval. And when it’s a joke you’ve written, it’s the best feeling in the world. I’ve really missed that this year and I’m sure my stand-up comedian friends have missed it even more.

    Not to mention no end of season wrap parties this year.

    Our whole society changed this year and a lot of those changes will probably be permanent. Like additional barriers between customers and employees at supermarkets, hand sanitiser dispensers at the entrance to stores and markers on the ground to help with social distancing. Now they’re installed, I think they’re just going to stay with us. And they’ll be incorporated into the design of new buildings.

    Hopefully this will spell the end for the open plan office. I am yet to meet a single person who likes them.

    In March I got a call from Crocmedia to let me know they had to stop all casual shifts because so much live sport had been cancelled. Panelling their radio coverage of AFL has been one of my main sources of income the last 8 years. But I only lost about a month’s worth of work before they got me back in under the JobKeeper scheme. I ended up panelling mostly the weekday afternoon show on SEN – ‘Dwayne’s World’ with Dwayne Russel – as well as SportsDay on 3AW with Gerard Healy and Sam McClure (both done out of the same studios). It was nice to have a reason to leave the house. The 2020 AFL Season eventually resumed, but man the logistics required to make it work this year are astounding. Will make a good ESPN documentary some day.

    Crocmedia officially changed its name to Sports Entertainment Network this year and Hit107 in Adelaide changed back to SAFM, as it was called when I had my first radio panelling job there back in 2008. I don’t think it’s a real radio station unless it changes its name and/or frequency at least once a decade.

    Although I didn’t panel the AFL Grand Final coverage, I did panel some of the pre-game and took the opportunity to keep the tradition alive of “wearing a suit to the big games” (as Rex used to say).

    We thought things might be back to normal by the time pre-production for Mad as Hell season 12 rolled around in July but just as we started, Victoria’s second wave of Covid was ramping up.

    My first day back at the office was day 1 of mandatory masks in Melbourne. I did 2 weeks at the office before we were all writing from home again. But on one of those fleeting office days, I wrote this Bunnings Conspiracy fake ad, which is probably my favourite thing I’ve ever written for anything, and so brilliantly executed by Emily Taheny and Stephen Hall.

    Melbourne’s second lockdown was much more severe than the first. There weren’t many reasons we were allowed to leave the house and when restrictions were at their peak, we couldn’t travel more than 5km from home unless for essential work. So like all of Melbourne, Annika and I spent a lot of time staying in. We made the most of it. Watched all of Stargate SG1, Stargate Universe (underrated show – what are the chances of a reboot?), Schitt’s Creek, and a few other things I can’t remember.

    With all the fun things in Melbourne closed, it was fortunate I had a big project to work on while stuck at home for all those months; that of editing season 2 of ‘Good Afternoon Adelaide’. Lucky for us we shot all the footage just before Christmas last year. And spending a large chunk of this year at my desk, staring at a screen and sorting through footage of my friends laughing really felt like I was still there hanging out with them.

    Season 2 of GAA consisted of six half hour episodes, all of which are now up online. But if you’ve only got two and a half minutes, watch this:

    And then this:

    Oh and you may as well watch this one while you’re at it. And big thanks to John Hnatowych for the brilliant ident at the end and Yuri Worontschak for the Channel 9-eque music that goes with it:

    And thanks to a hard won campaign to get community TV’s broadcast license extended for another year, the episodes did get to air on Channel 31 in Melbourne and Adelaide’s Channel 44, which was cool.

    It was particularly difficult this time as the current Minister for Communications and The Arts, Paul Fletcher, apparently didn’t know what ‘community television’ is. Or what ‘television’ is. Or ‘community’. But I suppose it’s a bit ridiculous these days to expect a minister to have a basic understanding of their own portfolio. I mean, they only work 4 weeks a year or something.

    So I guess community TV will be running the exact same campaign to stop the current federal government from killing the industry again in 2021. It’s been an annual tradition since 2014.

    Speaking of Adelaide, state border closures in the wake of the pandemic (the first such closures in more than 100 years) meant I couldn’t visit my home town all year. The last few years I’ve been going back every month or two, mainly to see my brother Luke, who’d been steadily declining in health as he approached the final stages of a terminal degenerative condition called hereditary spastic paraplegia (or HSP). Our sister Alice had the same condition – she died in 2016.

    After the first wave started to die down around the country in May, SA announced it would open its border to Victoria on July 24. I was really looking forward to getting over there. 7 months was already the longest I’d been away from my family and many close friends who still live there. But the case numbers remained stubbornly in the double digits and then started to take off, causing the border re-opening to be delayed indefinitely. I had a thought at that moment that I was probably not going to see my brother alive again.

    Meanwhile, Annika faced a similar dilemma with her ill father in Sweden, who had been undergoing treatment for cancer the last few years. It can be tricky to drop everything and fly to the other side of the world in normal times, but now there’s the increased risk of getting Covid oneself, then the prospect of months waiting to get back into Australia, not to mention the increased cost of the flights plus two weeks of hotel quarantine upon returning. But she got permission to leave Australia on compassionate grounds and managed to make it there and be with him for a few days before he died on November 25.

    I’d spent time with him the three times I’ve traveled to Sweden with Annika. He always made me feel welcome and I enjoyed his company and our discussions of history, movies and space travel. He had a keen eye for style and a great sense of humour and I’ll miss him.

    Back in Melbourne, we had finally got the second wave under control and were now seeing weeks of zero new cases and zero new deaths – so called “Double Donut Days” – and South Australia had announced the Victorian border would be open again on December 1.

    It really was an extraordinary effort by the entire Victorian community. Even more amazing when you consider that fighting on the side of the virus was also an opportunistic and inept state opposition, a buck-passing federal government lead by a part time prime minister and the Murdoch media pushing their usual agenda. On those days in July and August where we were seeing new cases in the six and seven hundreds, I think a lot of us had just about given up hope. But we pulled together in a way I’ve never seen before, and probably not seen by anyone round here since World War 2. Quite incredible. People will no doubt be talking about this for hundreds of years.

    I was so relieved I was going to be able to see Luke after all. He had really been struggling to talk the last couple of months and he was having difficulty swallowing. That’s not good. I could still get him to laugh though when I busted out the Simpsons quotes during our video chats. He was looking forward to me visiting as well. His carers made up a sign on his shelf that counted down the sleeps until I drove over.

    There was one more scare though. In November, a breach in Adelaide’s hotel quarantine and a subsequent cluster at the now infamous Woodville Pizza Bar lead to a sudden and severe lockdown. Thankfully they got on top of it and it turned out not to be as bad as first thought, but my heart rate was up for a couple of days there.

    So finally on Tuesday December 1, after 11 months away, I drove from Melbourne to Adelaide. Had to stop at the border and quote a reference number to a police officer (even though the border was open, people still had to register online beforehand). It was actually surprisingly easy in the end. A few hundred metres later I was welcomed by a Stobie Pole guard of honour.

    I drove straight to Luke’s house in Pasadena. When I arrived he was sitting in his wheelchair at his computer, watching Pimp My Ride (which seems to have been his favourite show this year). He was thrilled to see me and I almost couldn’t believe I was actually there. I sat and watched a couple of episodes with him and then put on some Rick and Morty season 4, which I’d been saving all year so we could watch it together. Lots of laughs, just like old times.

    The next day I went back again and we watched more stuff. Then Dad and my sister Hannah and her partner Nick came round and we had pizza and watched Flying High in the lounge room. It was so great. After that though, Luke went downhill quite quickly. Thursday he lay in bed and we all hung out in his room and watched fun things all day. He still laughed a few times at Rick and Morty. Friday, he was barely conscious and it was now clear he had pneumonia. We listened to his beloved Beatles and watched old home videos and reminisced about the good times. Saturday he was worse, and he died at 7pm.

    Life is so precious.

    A lot of people have experienced the death of someone close this year. And many wouldn’t have had the luxury of being there in person. I’m glad both Annika and I were with our loved ones. In a perfect world, I would have been in Stockholm with her and she would have been with me in Adelaide as well. Although, in a perfect world neither her father nor my brother would have been sick in the first place. But if it’s a choice between being there or missing it, and you have a choice, I say you’ve just got to be there.

    We’ve known this was going to happen for a long time. In 2005, Luke started to have trouble walking. By 2009, we learned what it was and that it was going to just keep getting worse. We knew theoretically he probably wouldn’t make it to age 30. But when my sister Alice died aged 27, it was such a shock. It brought our whole family closer together as we made a real effort to see Luke and each other as often as possible. I started coming back to Adelaide more frequently (until this year).

    The reality of what was to come had been hanging over us for four and a half years. Every time Mum’s name popped up on my phone, my first thought was: “Is this the call? Am I going to the airport now?”

    Because Alice was only 27, I think we all assumed Luke wouldn’t make it past 27 either but he made it to 29. Each of the last three Christmases I thought would be my last with him.

    I don’t think knowing it was going to happen made it any easier. But it did make us squeeze the most out of the last four years as we possible could. Luke’s life really was the best it could have been. Two trips to Melbourne (one to see Mad as Hell and the other to come to my wedding). Lots of great birthday parties, trips to the movies, his regular ‘Sunday Night Dinners’ with the extended family, lots of presents, lots of laughs. Lots of love.

    Luke received outstanding care from his carers at Community Living Options (CLO). They just got him and over the last few years, really maintained his quality of life and dignity. They made sure he had fun every day, even when some of those days were pretty tough. It was also great visiting Luke because it was a surprise to find out which carers were on and always good to have a chat. Many of them I now consider part of our family too. And I want to give a special mention to Ruth and Sharon, who came with Luke on both of his Melbourne trips and spent many Christmases with us.

    I also want to thank my Aunty Lorry and Uncle Graham for the years of love, and especially for their help with Luke’s palliative care towards the end. It meant my Mum (who like them, is also a GP) could just be a Mum.

    Most people don’t want to talk about death or think about end-of-life care but we all have to face the reality eventually and with our ageing population, it’s only going to become more commonplace. I don’t know about you but lying in my own bed, watching my favourite shows, surrounded by people I love sounds pretty good to me.

    I miss Luke so much. I have so many great memories with him. We spent so much time together growing up, riding our bikes around the backyard, going to Marion, playing video games and watching funny TV shows and joking around. He was my favourite person in the world to make laugh; usually with a line from The Simpsons.

    Because of his Asperger’s Syndrome (or autism spectrum disorder, as they call it now), it was hard to get Luke to smile for photos, so I used to get him to laugh by whispering a quote in his ear just before the photo. Here’s us at our cousin Alex’s wedding in 2018. From memory the quote was “Can you pass me a handful of peanuts? No not those peanuts… the ones at the bottom”.

    In fact, I’ve got tons of these.

    Luke’s funeral was at the Port Noarlunga Surf Live Saving Club on December 16. It was a wonderful service with Simpsons jokes, a James Bond cardboard cutout guard of honour, Beatles music & decorations and a beautiful eulogy by Ruth McIntyre and my sister Hannah.

    He would have loved it.

    We were actually in the lounge room at Luke’s house 3 days after he died, discussing whether to have that Bart Simpson “Hey cool. I’m dead” image in the booklet. Aunty Lorry first suggested it and I thought it was hilarious and knew Luke would have loved it too. Mum wasn’t convinced, so there was some debate. But just at that moment, a light fitting fell out of the ceiling about a metre away from us and crashed onto the tiled floor, making a loud noise and scaring the hell out of all of us.

    We all agreed that was Luke giving it his approval.

    So it’s been a pretty bad year. And it’s been especially sad to see how nations one would think would know better – like the USA, UK, Sweden and others – have so badly mishandled the pandemic and caused so many people to die needlessly and left so many others to now deal with chronic illness. We are pretty lucky here in Australia.

    But you know, I still feel like 2016 was worse. At least this time Trump lost. But also, I think this year has really made me appreciate the good things. A lot of them very simple things that are so easy to take for granted, like sitting in a cafe and drinking a coffee, riding a tram, hearing a crowd of strangers laugh in a darkened room, seeing family and friends.

    My experiences this year have lead me once again to the same conclusions. Live life to the fullest. Do all the things you want to do. If you want to do something, and you can, don’t wait. And do what makes you happy. But you know all this already.

    Suppose I better get back to it.

    Wishing you a safe and dull 2021.

    -DMG

  • 2019 (The Year)

    It’s the end.

    Well, not really.

    But it is the end of the year. Also the decade. The decade that gave us both vaping and vaporwave.

    February 13 actually marks 10 years since I moved to Melbourne, so that’s probably the more significant milestone for me rather than the technical end of the 2010s. And if my 22-year-old self saw where I am now, I think he’d be thrilled.

    But as for 2019, I did a few things of note…

    I got married! Annika too. 29 March 2019 at Glasshaus Inside in Cremorne, just off Swan Street, Richmond. It’s a plant nursery by day so the greenery provided a lovely setting that seems to be in vogue at the moment with the recent surge in the popularity of house plants. Take my wife.

    My beautiful wife of course deserves all the thanks for the many months of planning. And also for saying yes.

    It was a great night and in particular it was really special to look out at the crowd and see my brother Luke, who flew over from Adelaide with Mum and two carers. Thank you again to the good people at Qantas and Jetstar (and Mum) who got him here, to my best man Tim, and all our friends who came to celebrate with us.

    Beautiful photos by Jessica Grilli.

    For our honeymoon, we spent a month in September/October traveling up the west coast of the USA and Canada.

    To give you the executive summary: we started in LA, rented a car (first time driving a left-hand drive car!) and drove to Desert Hot Springs, Palm Springs, then up the Pacific Coast Highway to San Luis Obispo where we stayed at the fabulous Madonna Inn (highlight of the trip). Then to San Simeon, checked out Hearst Castle, to Carmel-By-The-Sea through San Jose to San Francisco. Out to Yosemite National Park and back. Then flew to Portland, Oregon. Never been there before and really liked it. Lots of cool vintage stores and cafés (felt a bit like Adelaide or Melbourne). Then drove to Seattle via Mount Saint Helens (absolutely spectacular) and across the boarder to Vancouver.

    We took more photos obviously, but I can’t be bothered re-sizing them for the website so just go to my Instagram.

    It was my third time visiting the USA. I went in 1998 and 2005 with my folks and both times I came back home a bit disappointed about what I was missing out on, not living there. This time was different and I was glad to be home. I guess that says something about how much I’m enjoying my life and career at the moment.

    But also, maybe my eyes were more open. So much waste. So many ridiculously big SUVs only carrying one person. So much plastic packaging. So many homeless people, with tents on the side of the freeway and under bridges.

    America is only a great country if you’re rich. As Paul Keating said, “Australia is a fundamentally better society.” He’s right. I guess as you get older, things like universal health care and not being shot become more important to you.

    And really, there’s nothing there now that you can’t get here, thanks to the Internet and globalisation. I remember in 2005 I was blown away by all the different coloured jackets you could buy at Macy’s. In Adelaide at the time, your options were basically black, brown or navy blue. Now you can get anything you want.

    It was a different experience beverage-wise too. Last time I went to town on Dr Pepper at every opportunity. This time I only managed one and I felt pretty sick afterwards. It’s the sugar. I just can’t drink the non-diet/max stuff anymore.

    Also, I wasn’t a coffee drinker last time I went. My God. They just don’t get it. It’s expensive and it’s awful. And more generally, with taxes that aren’t included in the price, plus having to tip all the time, after a while it’s just really fucking annoying.

    But despite all of that, America still does have that special glow to it. Aside from the incredible scenery, the feeling that this is where the big things happen. Definitely on show while walking around Paramount Studios. I certainly wouldn’t turn down the opportunity to make a movie or work on a TV show there. What am I, nuts?!?

    Speaking of TV shows…

    In June, the TV special “Good Afternoon Adelaide: Live at the Birkenhead Bridge” aired on the usual community channels. It’s possibly the best thing I’ve ever done.

    Reflecting that, we received five nominations at the 2019 Antenna Awards, winning one for “Outstanding Sound in a Program”, which also seemed a fitting way to make up for Channel 44 Adelaide airing the special with no audio in the second act… true story!

    Voice-Over’s Tim Wray made the trip to Melbourne for the ceremony:

    We applied for a grant from the Community Broadcasting Foundation to make a second season and they came back to us with an offer of absolutely nothing, which is unfortunate. However… we’re making season 2 anyway. We had two big weekend shoots just before Christmas and hopefully we’ll have 6 new episodes by the middle of the year.

    (BTW if you like the show and want to help us out, there’s a donate button in the top right corner of this page.)

    Oh also, back in January the first season of GAA was voted the 3rd Best New Comedy of 2018 (behind the esteemed company of Nanette and Sizzletown) at the annual Australian Tumbleweed Awards. Great blog about Aussie TV comedy that, along with my bank account and the website with Commander Keen mods, is permanently open in Safari on my phone. Here’s what they said about us:

    “It’s a marker of how little new comedy of quality was premiered in 2018 that a show which aired on community television and was released online has garnered as many votes as it has in this category. Good Afternoon Adelaide, a parody of local TV made in Adelaide in the 80’s and 90’s by Mad As Hell writer David Allen Green, has some good ideas in it, but it’s pretty obscure. Its YouTube channel has 64 subscribers and its most-watched video has had 395 views. Presumably all 395 of those viewers voted for it here. Thanks for stopping by.”

    There’s only 7 people involved with the show and I think only 3 of us voted… so thanks everyone!

    As for the kind of work where they pay you actual money…

    2019 continued in much the same way as the last few years. Did the audio at the tennis again. Got the day shift this year, so no late nights. Did have a couple of 6AM starts though, but mostly 9-5. Like a real job or something.

    Still panelling radio for Crocmedia/SEN. The photos above are from when I brought my 35mm camera to work to use up the end of a roll of film. Panelled the usual things, mostly AFL but also some soccer, basketball, cricket, tennis, horse racing and general sport talk back.

    SEN completed its transition from Swan Street, Richmond to the Crocmedia building in Southbank. After sharing studios with Croc on the top floor for a few months, in June the new dedicated SEN studios opened on the ground floor in what turned out to be perfect timing because there was a fire in the building. No one was hurt but there was a horrible burning plastic smell and a loss of power that left the upper floors uninhabitable for a few weeks. The tech guys did an amazing job of getting the stations back up and running with minimal impact to broadcasts.

    Had another wonderful 3 months writing on series 10 of Mad as Hell. Here’s something I wrote that’s easily linkable on YouTube, performed by the brilliant Stephen Hall and Shaun Micallef:

    It really is the best God damn job in the world.

    I was also Andy Lee’s stand-in during rehearsals on Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation in February/March (I did that for the previous season in late 2017 as well – don’t think I mentioned it before). Basically, when they rehearse and run through all the segments, they don’t want the real contestants there as they’ll be exposed to the questions and gags, so they have six stand-ins.

    One brand new addition to the resume this year was writing questions for Mastermind Australia on SBS. Now I just need to get something I’ve written on Channel Ten and I will have completed the Australian network TV Yahtzee (Seven = The Chase. Nine = the “UN’s bring your daughter to work day” gag in the Mad as Hell clip they played at the Logies this year – it’s a bit of a stretch, I know, but still).

    Of course, if you saw me in anything this year, it was probably this Toyota ad:

    My first proper job as an actor. Absolutely loved it. Definitely looking forward to doing more stuff on camera.

    What else? There have been a couple of other writing projects. I was offered the chance to write a TV sitcom pilot by a long time Twitter friend and did a couple of drafts. Would love to see that one get made. Was also asked to help with a web sitcom, which I also did. Waiting to see what happens with that. You know, the usual.

    As for 2020, I’m back on series 11 of Mad as Hell early in the year and there’ll be more Good Afternoon Adelaide at some point and in some quantity. Also getting the urge to make some more VHS Revue. Watch this space.

    As it is coming up on a decade in Melbourne, I’ve been reading some of my old blog entries from those first few weeks and I had forgotten just how hard a time I was having.

    I used to write a lot more… well… ‘openly’ about what I was experiencing (there’s really nothing holding you back when you don’t have an employer or a relationship or the benefit of experience and better judgement). Particularly, I went into quite a bit of detail about that first (horrible) sharehouse in Altona. Reading it back now, it’s quite passive aggressive. That’s partly because those two housemates asked me to remove their names after I had already written a few posts, so I had to go back and replace their names with vague, non-identifiable descriptors like “Miss Altona” and “Mr X” etc. But also, clearly I was not having a good time. Next time I’m a guest on one of those podcasts where they exchange tedious stories, I’ll make sure to elaborate on their lack of a bath-mat system.

    One passage I came across from 9 March 2010 still resonates:

    “…it was a somewhat rambling week. Had some bad days, then a good one, then some bad ones, then a good one again. I’ve often found myself recently thinking and remembering about “the good old days” back in Adelaide, seeing my close friends regularly, working every now and then at the Palace Nova … it was all so care-free… And let me tell you, you never appreciate the beauty of nature and the outdoors so much as when you’re stuck at a desk reading a text book. But then, even though those days were great and I knew exactly what I was doing, I wasn’t going anywhere. At least here in Melbourne I feel like I’m achieving something.”

    Yep. It took a while, but things worked out pretty well. And quite ironic that I had to move to Melbourne to make a TV show called “Good Afternoon Adelaide”.

    But, I would do it all again.

    Here’s to the 2020s. Humanity’s last chance.

    – DMG

  • That’s your 2018 right there

    These years go by faster and faster…

    Well, hope you had a good 2018. Here are the things what I did:

    I started the year again at the Australian Open working nights at the Rod Laver Arena audio panel. Highlights include playing “Men in Black” on the PA when the camera cut to Will Smith in the crowd and riding the levels for special guest on-court interviewer Will Ferrell. Was also great to get to crank “Sweet Caroline” during Caroline Wozniacki’s victory lap after she won her maiden Grand Slam title.

    There was a bit of overlap with the start of Shaun Micallef’s Mad as Hell series 8, the first to be shot at the newly expanded ABC Southbank studios. And in fact there were 3 days there when I did a full day of comedy writing, then walked across Swan Street Bridge to Melbourne Park, scoffed down some dinner and panelled the audio until 1am! Not in a hurry to do that double again…

    But that’s the life of a freelancer. From intense periods like that to a pretty quiet couple of months of underemployment in the middle of the year, I must say.

    There were two seasons of Mad as Hell this year, which was fantastic. They haven’t done two seasons in the same year since my first year with the show back in 2014.

    Speaking of which, if you’ve ever wondered what I actually write on the show, I recently cut together some of my finest gags from series 3 to 8:

    Made a few cameos this year too…

    But the big highlight for me – aside from being shot and strangled – was having my brother Luke visit and attend a Mad as Hell taping. I’ve been in Melbourne almost nine years and this is the first time he’s come over from Adelaide.

    It was quite the ordeal organising it (he’s been confined to a wheelchair for about 5 years now, so has some special requirements). When Luke expressed an interest in coming over, Mum looked into it and discovered while Luke could easily fly on a Qantas plane, his wheelchair was too tall for the 737 cargo hold. And while a Jetstar A320 could fit the wheelchair, they didn’t have the lifter required to get Luke into the seat on the plane. Those are the only two aircraft that fly from Adelaide to Melbourne. Virgin was no help. Seemed like an obvious solution for Qantas and Jetstar to share the equipment, but alas not.

    Ultimately, it came down to my tireless Mother not taking ‘no’ for an answer. And thank you too to the people on Twitter and Facebook who shared my Mum’s post and the ABC journalist Alice Dempster who wrote a story on it, which eventually convinced Qantas and Jetstar to cooperate.

    Luke had a great time. I gave him a tour of the studio and we watched the show from the green room. Afterwards, I introduced him to Shaun and the cast. He was absolutely thrilled and it was a really special moment that made it all worth it.

    Mum, Luke and two carers Ruth and Sharon stayed overnight in a nearby apartment. They hired a special bed and a lifter to get him in and out of the chair. It was a lot to organise and we all lost some sleep worrying about everything going according to plan, but in the end it went brilliantly. I wish we did it years ago.

    The next day, Annika and I met them for breakfast and we took a stroll across the Princes Bridge to Federation Square and I pointed out some of the sights to Luke.

    Thank you so much to everyone at the ABC, Mad as Hell, and the airlines for their help in making this trip so enjoyable.

    Qantas told us this would be a one off, but I’m hoping we can do it again. The easiest and obvious solution would be for Jetstar to get some lifers and train their staff. I really hope they do that as soon as possible. Makes me wonder how many other disabled people out there are discouraged from travelling because it’s all just a bit too difficult.

    ABC News even did a story on it:

    Was quite bizarre to see Luke on TV instead of me for a change!

    I was back on the buttons at Crocmedia this year, mainly panelling the AFL. That place is growing like crazy. In April, Croc actually merged with Pacific Star Network, owners of sport station SEN 1116AM. Consequently, there was a bit of cross over with staff this year and I ended up doing some panel shifts at SEN back in their Swan Street studios.

    The same studios where in 2011/12, I panelled The Steve Vizard Show on Melbourne Talk Radio. Bizarre how the Australian radio industry seems to go in circles sometimes. Just for comparison, spot the difference:

    As part of the merger, SEN is moving into the Crocmedia building in South Melbourne. My last (probably) shift at Swan Street was panelling the cricket on Sunday December 16. I’ll miss those studios in the quiet corner of Richmond. Probably Melbourne’s last ground floor radio studio with a tram right outside the window.

    A lot of history in that building, going back to the dying days of 3AK. Well before my time. I hear someone’s writing a book about it.

    2018 also saw the TV debut of Good Afternoon Adelaide on Melbourne’s Channel 31, Adelaide’s Channel 44 and Perth’s West TV.

    There’s more of the Adelaide-based early ’90s talk show parody in the pipeline. Not sure what exactly and when it’s going to come out of the pipe, but watch this space. I will say it involves a bus…

    Also had a great time shooting 4 new episodes of VHS Revue. And thanks again to Stephen Hall for this cameo. A few fans have sent me some more tapes, which are currently sitting on my desk waiting to be revued in 2019.

    Other creative things…

    I finished a first draft of the screenplay I started last year. It’s called “Life Hack”. Want to read it? Email me.

    I signed up with a new agency, Larkin Creative, as I’m interested in more on camera comedy performance. There’s a growing number of screen tests and acting appearances on my Vimeo channel.

    Went to Stockholm again with Annika for my first proper Midsummer. A great time as always. So much daylight that time of year. It’s fantastic. In fact you might say I developed Stockholm Syndrome. But you would be incorrect.

    Enjoyed a few saunas, some fishing and took a ferry to the island of Sandhamn out in the archipelago for a day.

    Annika’s Dad even welcomed me by hoisting an Australian flag up the family pole. Sensational. Probably about time we lose that Union Jack though.

    Closer to home, we spent a nice weekend in Ballarat for the Begonia Festival in March. Annika went for the flowers.

    I went for the busts.

    We’ve settled into our place in Malvern and signed on for another year. Two moves in 13 months was more than enough.

    It’s been great. Lost count of the number of barbecues we’ve had this year. And not a bad picture to wake up to every morning:

    In May, we had our engagement party in Adelaide and the wedding is set for 29 March, 2019 in Melbourne. That’s also the Brexit deadline for Britain to leave the EU (unless they postpone it). Regardless, should be a day full of happy memories for both us and the British people.

    Wishing you a fabtabulous 2019.

    – DMG

  • Things what I did in 2015

    Greetings from Stockholm!

    I’m rounding out the year in Sweden with Annika. My first trip to Europe and my first time out of Australia in 10 years. A long overdue chance to see how life works in a place that isn’t Melbourne or Adelaide. For example, being able to insert your credit card in the machine at the supermarket before all the items have even been scanned? Mind blown, Sweden. Mind. Blown.

    I’m here for a whole month so I’ll save up the humorous anecdotes and poignant cultural observations and give you the good ones later.

    It’s been a grand year. Back in February I returned to the writing team for season 5 of Shaun Micallef’s Mad as Hell. Just about the most fun you can have as a comedy writer in Australia. And congrats to everyone on the AACTA Award for Best Television Comedy Series! Greatest team in TV.

    Here’s one of my favourite sketches from Season 5 (I assume it’s the right one. Can’t seem to watch this video in Sweden for some reason. Really, The World? Still with the geoblocking?):

    Also spent another year behind the control panel at Crocmedia. For my 4th year I worked on the radio flagship “AFL Live” program as well as the new “A-League Live” domestic soccer coverage, and Saturday nights at SEN during the summer. A great job and great people. Which is why I’m still there, obviously.

    Here’s me with TV’s Jane Nield on AFL Grand Final Day:

    It was also great to actually attend an AFL game this year too. Not just attend, but sit in the Crocmedia commentary box at the MCG to see Hawthorn vs Geelong in Round 20, with Rex Hunt calling with Darren Parkin and Terry Wallace.

    Only my second time at the MCG and the third AFL game I’ve ever attended, if you can believe that? FYI, the first was Adelaide vs Geelong at Football Park in 1997. The second was Melbourne vs Brisbane at the MCG in 2010. I’m usually back at Crocmedia HQ pressing the buttons, ya see.

    Man, what a view. And fascinating to see the operation from the other side of the ISDN line (Thanks again Jack Heverin!).

    No 31 Questions this year (five years and three community TV seasons was enough). But a project I worked on throughout 2015 was my “new” webseries VHS Revue. I’ve been going through old pre-1995ish video tapes and cutting together the hilarious/unusual highlights with some contemporary gags in between. All recorded on period VHS technology.

    I made nine episodes this year with the assistance of Nicholas Godfrey and Alexis Kotlowy in Adelaide. With another one I made way back in 2008, there are now 10 episodes on YouTube. Look out for cameos from TV’s Michael Pope and Mark Humphries!

    Still a few more tapes in the box I haven’t gone through yet. They’re fun to make so I suspect I’ll make some more at some point. The Adelaide VHS Gang and I have another more complex project in the works for the future, so keep a nose out…

    Here’s a clue:

    Another thing I returned to this year was stand-up comedy. I’ve kept a pretty low profile. In fact, this is the first I’ve mentioned it online. But I’ll fill you in.

    Between 2008 and 2011, I got up on stage to do a five minute spot about a dozen times. A few of those went pretty well. But I was always more interested in pursuing radio, TV and narrative/sketch-based comedy, so I never really took stand-up seriously and when “31 Questions” got up and running, I put stand-up on the back burner. Or rather, took it off the stove entirely.

    But there was always a voice at the back of my head telling me I should be doing stand-up. A real comedian should be able to get up on stage in front of an audience at any time and deliver entertainment. I was conscious I couldn’t fulfill that requirement.

    With a bit of free time in the second half of the year, that voice got harder and harder to ignore. So at the start of October I put my hand up at “Comedy at the Wilde” in Fitzroy. Coincidentally, it was four years to the day since I last performed.

    I was pretty rusty and to be honest, completely terrified. I haven’t been that scared in I don’t know when. I’d forgotten what it’s like up there, with the bright lights and no autocue. I got some laughs. Also got a generous portion of nothing. But I just had to get that return to the stage done and out of the way. And here’s the difference between now and six years ago: I rewrote the routine and got up on stage at “Station 59” in Richmond and did it again. That went a hell of a lot better. Then I tried a new five minutes, and another and another. I got up eight times in two months before I left for Sweden. And you know what? When you take stand-up seriously, it’s really fun. And when you kill? When everything just works? Oh my God, what a feeling. It’s indescribable.

    By March, I’m planning to have 45 minutes of fine, hand-crafted comedy.

    Why?

    Hell yeah! It’s my debut show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival!

    Come see me in “Fan Club”. It’s at a nice little cocktail bar called Caz Reitop’s Dirty Secrets, 80 Smith Street, Collingwood. I’ll be doing two shows a week, Thursdays and Sundays 9PM from March 24 to April 17. Book your tickets at TICKETMASTER (CLICK HERE).

    It’ll be an evening (well a portion of an evening) of stand-up, a few stories and some live commercial reads. Producing it all myself. Just me and my comedy brain and possibly some other organs. If you’ve enjoyed any of my work ever, or you’re one of those people who’ve been asking me if I’ve got a show in the festival throughout the last decade, I’d be thrilled if you come. But until then, I’ll be round the stand-up traps in Melbourne. If you see me, come say hi.

    In other news, I read some great books this year. I’ve been getting back into that too. I particularly recommend “Command and Control” by Eric Schlosser and “Catch Me If You Can” by Frank Abagnale and Stan Redding.

    Well whoever you are, thanks for reading (this, not the books mentioned above). Hope you’ve had a good year too and all of the best for 2016.

    Let us do coffee. Let us do lunch. Let us do all of the things.

    – David M. Green

  • 2014: The Year.

    And so another curtain turns by the milestone where a chapter passes around a corner that’s closed to cap off the page’s end of yet another ticked over year.

    Hi, I’m David M. Green and here’s the gist of what I did in 2014.

    It’s coming up on 5 years since I left Adelaide for dead and moved to Melbourne to pursue a life of comedy, radio, television and shopping after 9PM. And man, I did a big steaming pile of all those things this year…

    January through April was full on. I started at my childhood dream job of writing for a Shaun Micallef-based ABC TV comedy show: Series 3 of Mad As Hell (as seen above with Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall and Simon Taylor in our official ABC-supplied writing uniforms). There’s no other way to put it. It was bloody fantastic. An amazingly talented team of people and so, so much fun. I returned in September to write for Series 4 and I’m thrilled to say I’ll be back in the writers’ room again on Series 5, which starts in February.

    If you want tickets to come join the studio audience – which I can highly recommend – hit me upside the head. I know a guy 😉

    Here’s my favourite Mad As Hell sketch from this year: “Watching the Watcher”

    Returning to the start of the year, the ole RMITV gang got back together one last time to record the third and final season of 31 Questions: The TV game show where YOU get to be the viewer. We put everything into this one and it almost killed me.

    I reckon the best episodes this year were 1, 6 and 8.

    I’ve crapped on about the show enough now, but if you literally have nothing better to do and like that behind the scenes shit, read the blog entry I wrote after we finished shooting. Or the other one I wrote after the final episode aired.

    I’m amazed we got so far with that show. But 4 years and (fittingly) 31 episodes seems like enough for now. It cost a lot of money, time, sleep, dignity, and even a couple of friendships. But we did it because we loved it and everyone involved learned an incredible amount. And that’s community TV.

    And that’s why I’m so concerned about the future of community TV, which is currently under threat after Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull decided to kick all 5 metro stations off the air at the end of 2015.

    So concerned, a few months ago I wrote an article for The Age/Sydney Morning Herald, which was shared a hell of a lot more than Malcolm Turnbull’s half-arsed response.

    It was even mentioned in Parliament:

    They’ll get my name right one of these days…

    Make sure you sign the petition over at Commit to Community TV if you think community television in this country is worth having.

    After that burst of TV-making in the first half of the year, I took my first trip to Tasmania with my friend and mentor Van Badham. It was pretty good, aside from the food poisoning on the second day. I think it was a combination of some bad fish and a slightly disturbing experience seeing MONA‘s infamous “shitting machine”.

    I thought surely I took a picture of that machine? But looking back through the photos, evidently I did not. Probably for the best.

    3 days in Hobart was great, though I spent one of those days in bed watching QI, which arguably I could do at home. So I’d love to go back and explore the rest of the state properly. There’s some pretty breath-taking scenery.

    Here I am taking a breath:

    Back in Melbourne, I met a girl from Sweden. Her name’s Annika. She wants to stay in Australia, so to get a second year on her visa, she went and worked at a dairy farm in Lockington near the Victorian/New South Wales border. For 3 months. For no money. In a profession in which she has zero interest.

    Understandably, she didn’t like it much. I’m kinda ashamed we make foreign visitors do that in Australia. We are a selfish, small-minded country – as comprehensively encapsulated by our current federal government and their systematic policies of unfairness… But on the other hand, at least I got something out of this situation (not selfish).

    I got to visit a part of the country I’ve never had a reason to go to. So I twice drove up to see Annika, temporarily save her from the life of a milk maid, and spend a few days in Echuca. I introduced her to Red Dwarf and we stayed in a B&B that had a fireplace. (A FIREPLACE, people.)

    Both trips were great, though the guy at the B&B was a bit of a dick the second time. Got a stern lecture when we went to check out at 10.07AM. Hey, I was there at 9.55 and the counter was unattended!

    Anyway, we’re totally going out now. Here she is riding a cannon (hoho):

    Throughout the year I’ve also been back behind the radio panel at Crocmedia, where I continued my self-imposed tradition of panelling the Grand Final for “AFL Live” in a suit:

    Even panelled a few shows with cricket legend Merv Hughes. Turns out we have similar tastes in shirts:

    There were fewer sound effects this year, but that wasn’t enough to prevent another batch of bizarre audio highlights. Get a load of these:

    [display_podcast]

    As always, a thrill and a pleasure to work with the whole team, on-air and behind the scenes (and not just because they get my name right, but that does go a long way).

    So that’s the gist of it. I’m seeing the year out in Adelaide. Gonna see the old gang. Gonna play some golf. Gonna have my bowl. Gonna eat cereal. Gonna eat at my favourite spots: The Blue Bird Bakery and Charminar Indian restaurant in Brighton, that Yiros House place on Rundle Street, and maybe even Gilbert Place’s The Pancake Kitchen – just like Melbourne’s The Pancake Parlour, but everything’s 30 per cent cheaper. Just the way I like it.

    I still love Adelaide. And I love coming back to visit. It’s slowly turning into a proper city. I reckon every time I’m here, I see more solar panels and speed cameras. And little bits of Melbourne slowly being absorbed into the local scene. That’s progress, my friend.

    So that’s the gist of it. Thank you for reading, enjoy your holidays and I’ll see you in 2015. We should do lunch.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Your treat.