Tag: funny

  • Everybody needs good extras, Neighbours.

    Last week I made my network television “acting” debut on the iconic Australian soap opera “Neighbours”.

    It was a fun, if not surreal experience, even if it was just a background extra in the coffee shop, which to my surprise was renamed “Harold’s Store”. Apparently this happened some years ago, long after I stopped watching semi-regularly.

    On March 23 I drove out to the studios in Melbourne’s fabulous eastern suburb of Nunawading to join the ranks of famous Australian personalities such as Kylie Minogue, Guy Pierce, Russell Crowe, and that lanky Irish guy who’s name I don’t know, who all started with minor roles and bit parts on Neighbours.

    I particularly enjoyed seeing what REALLY happens in the Neighbours’ coffee shop; the steam machine to simulate making a coffee; ads for fictional Erinsborough businesses on the community notice board; plastic fruit and cans of food that not only expired in 2006, but are also glued to the shelves.

    This wasn’t the first time I’d “acted” as an extra. I do have experience at not looking at cameras and pretending to have conversations with people without actually making any sound, having extra-ed on an episode of “McLeod’s Daughters” a few years ago (a scene that was cut), and more recently on Seven’s “Winners & Losers” (I’ll blog about that one in a few weeks!).

    Obviously TV shows take a while to edit, and I neglected to ask what episode number they were filming. So to be honest, I completely forgot about the whole thing until an old high school friend from Adelaide (who I hadn’t spoken to in about 5 years) spotted me floating around in the background on TV last week.

    Naturally I missed all of the broadcasts. But with the aid of online streaming technology, I was able to watch back last week’s shows and locate my three scenes.

    Because you’re obviously a busy man/woman, I’ll now present highlights from those scenes, showcasing my brilliant and subtle acting skills as a background extra:

    Episode 6167 – 24 May 2011

    Coincidentally, my first Neighbours appearance happened to go to air on my birthday. Cheers Ten Network!

    That’s me in the orange shirt (which is actually my shirt), pretending to shop at the cluttered single shelf at Harold’s Store. In reality I was just going through the stock and checking the expiration dates.

    It was quite a bizarre combination of perishables. Pasta sauce and wasabi peas in the same display basket? I can’t imagine a real shop organising their produce in such a higgledy piggledy fashion. Harold wouldn’t last ten minutes in the cut-throat real world of small business ownership.

    From this angle it looks like I’m leaning on Scott McGregor’s muscular shoulder:

    Episode 6169 – 26 May 2011

    Two days later I was back to steal a newspaper:

    Much to the production team’s credit, that’s not just an old copy of the Herald Sun with “Erinsborough Star” pasted on the cover. They’ve actually gone to the effort to make real newspapers, complete with fictional stories about various local characters, written in the proper hard news reverse pyramid style!

    I had a chance to read a couple of articles while we did a few takes.

    Note also two other extras have returned to Harold’s Store, having swapped tables this time:

    Episode 6170 – 27 May 2011

    The very next day, I was back at Harold’s Store! I really think the audience was starting to become familiar with my character’s newspaper-reading, coffee-drinking, general loitering in the background kinda style.

    And this time I seem to just hang out there for the whole day:

    One of the best things about being an extra in the coffee shop was the free food! They actually have a real kitchen on site, and the production team routinely brings out real food and beverages for the extras to snack on during the scene.

    In the above scene I’m drinking a latte. After an initial sip I realised they’d forgotten the sugar. I noticed there was some sugar on the table. However, when I went to tip some into my glass, the sugar remained stuck, fused to the bottom of the jar.

    One of the cast actors offered me some advice, “Uh, I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.” It had obviously been there for YEARS.

    They gave me a delicious danish as well. Some of the other extras had sandwiches. One guy even had a hamburger with chips. It was a pretty sweet deal – getting paid to sit there silently and eat – especially considering I skipped breakfast that morning.

    Here I am eating a cupcake:

    These coffee shop scenes appeared throughout the episode. And I’m in every one of them. I’m guessing my character doesn’t have anywhere else to be.

    Towards the end of the episode the lighting on the other side of the front window was dimmed to indicate night time “outside”.

    I grabbed one more coffee for the road, as veteran Neighbours resident Paul Robinson (Stefan Dennis) chats with Kate Ramsay (Ashleigh Brewer) in the foreground:

    And with my take away coffee, which in reality was just an empty cup, I departed Harold’s Store – and Erinsborough – probably forever.

    That’s my striped shirt on the other side of the door:

    Now to launch my singing career!

    You’ll be able to watch these episodes online in their entirety for a few more days, if you want a less static, but more drawn-out experience.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Did you hear Madge died?

  • Tram driver locked out

    I hopped on the tram yesterday to meet an old friend in the city for lunch. I have a habit of being 10 minutes late to everything, and this occasion was no exception. To save face I often blame the tram; but in reality it’s usually my own fault.

    But THIS TIME I could legitimately say the tram was late. Not for the usual reasons of poorly coordinated traffic lights, bad drivers, old people, tourists asking directions, single parents with prams or punk kids unneccessarily ringing the bell, but because the driver locked himself out of the cabin! And he spent about SEVEN MINUTES trying to open the door!

    So, being the upstanding member of GEN Y that I am – with a camera phone and lots of free time – I got most of it on video and rendered in into a bite-sized sketch, which if you haven’t watched already, is at the top of this post.

    The driver was struggling with the keys for about 3 minutes before I started recording.

    He used one of those poles (the ones they use to switch the points and change the track’s direction) to try to open the door from the inside. Then a hipster passenger offered a helping hand (and foot), but was unsuccessful. Eventually the driver jimmied open the sliding window, tossing the pole loudly into the cabin in frustrated celebration.

    I tell ya… the things you see on a Melbourne tram…

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Big tram fan.

  • More bad grammar

    It’s been a while since my successful grammatical stand against the Commonwealth Bank, so if you’re in need of a reminder, check out BEFORE and AFTER David’s M. Green’s red correction pen.

    In the mean time I’ve accumulated a few more examples of bad grammar and general incompetence, so back by popular demand… it’s David M. Green: Grammar Nazi!

    What’s worse than finding human faeces in your hotel swimming pool?

    Well… actually, I’d probably prefer the bad grammar:

    Don’t worry. Darryl will sort you out.

    Went to see a movie at the Hoyts cinema at Melbourne’s fabulous Northland Shopping Centre the other day. Ain’t that just humanity at its worst?

    They’re not the kind of folk that take too kindly to outsiders, NEITHER their food NOR drink:

    And here’s an amusing Facebook slip-up from my good friend Rebecca McKinney. No explanation required:

    Jesus, what kind of stitch pattern is she using? She might have to give Darryl a call…

    Grammatical mistakes happen to the best of us. Stuff on Facebook is pretty forgivable, but once it’s printed and turned into signage – especially when it’s big business – grammar fans, let the mockery begin!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    David M. Green: Grammar Nazi will return in “The Spellcheck Is Not Enough”.

  • The Magic Factory Podcast! 3SYN 90.7FM

    Yes finally!

    It’s been two weeks since Antonio Cafasso and I teamed up for a 7-hour straight graveyard broadcast on Melbourne’s SYN 90.7FM, and I’ve finally cut together the podcast.

    Now, I know you people are busy with your various “commitments” (work/family/various drug addictions/etc.) so I’ve created a “Best of The Magic Factory” podcast just for you, the listener on the go:

    The Magic Factory – BEST OF – Podcast  (66 mins)
    Featuring the best bits of David M. Green & Antonio Cafasso’s graveyard shift on 3SYN 90.7FM January 27-28 2011. Taylor’s Hill Tailors, Antonio’s weight loss job, David M. Green’s Songs to Have Sex to, live cross to Sam Mac in Perth, Shane Warne Soundboard Prank Calls, re-setting public transport, The Magic Factory Newsroom, fun with sound effects & Alan Jones clips, song intro challenge, Lorne Lawns & a live call from “Steve” at a Lilydale petrol station.

    But for the REAL fans, or if you just don’t have a life and you’d like to listen to the FULL podcast, you’re in luck!

    The complete The Magic Factory podcast can be downloaded below in three parts, for your convenience. Obviously the music has been removed, which reduces 7 hours to about 3 hours and 45 minutes.

    Perfect for any long drive (when, for some reason, you don’t want to listen to music). Alternatively, import them into your Grand Theft Auto PC game so you can listen to Antonio and me play wacky sound effects as you mow down hookers with an AK-47!

    The Magic Factory FULL Podcast PART #1 (72 mins)
    Taylor’s Hill Tailors, driving in Melbourne & dealing with VicRoads, Antonio’s weight loss job, David M. Green’s Songs to Have Sex to, live cross to Sam Mac in Perth, Shane Warne Soundboard Prank Calls,  re-setting public transport, Too Easy: The Webseries & DMG’s pen.

    The Magic Factory FULL Podcast PART #2 (72 mins)
    DMG’s adventures in commercial radio, The Magic Factory Newsroom, origins of the Alan Jones clips, horrible share-housing experiences, Peter Macinkovic calls in, DMG records some demo radio talkbreaks for Gold 104.3FM, song intro challenge, Antonio’s hilarious fart sounds, Lorne Lawns & Rove L.A.

    The Magic Factory FULL Podcast PART #3 (79 mins)
    Elaborately over-produced IDs, bed music samples, Adelaide v. Melbourne, more Alan Jones, DMG “picks up” at the cinema, texts from the listeners, David M. Green’s Songs to Have Sex to (reprise), DMG’s “31 Questions” TV game show pilot, a live call from “Steve” at a Lilydale petrol station, plans for the day, a chat with Nicholas Waxman from “Get Cereal” & a live call from “Jennifer”, some random listener.

    Overall a fantastic experience. Comedy on radio is a huge passion of mine and it was great to get back behind the panel. Although, I’m not jumping at the opportunity to do 7 hours straight again… This is us at 6AM…

    Although, a return to a regular hour slot is not out of the question. The question is where, who and when…

    Special thanks again to Antonio. You can hear from the clips we were genuinely having a great time. The laughter is real, I can assure you. That’s what makes great radio, in my opinion.

    Happy listening.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I’m radioactive!

  • Hilarious Spam!

    Hey Hey Hey!

    We all hate spam. Well, I assume we all do. I certainly do. But hey, maybe you love it. But if you’re like me, which I assume you are, although I’ve been known to be wrong, and hence I’m no better than you… annoying… right, the spam. My website receives about 20 spam blog comments a day. Most of them are a jumble of links and random characters, sometimes not even able to be displayed, and hence it’s just a string of those little rectangles. But some of them are just completely random comments that have no connection at all to anything I mentioned in any blog, ever. For your enjoyment, here are some of my favourite random spam comments:

    On Blog Entry – Ed Fella!?! Oh hang on… Michael Jackson!?!

    Submitted on 2009/09/27 at 9:14pm by yapapanyatt
    WOW! Good thing you kept your wits enough to fight off the bugger. Glad you’re ok. The worse thing to happen to me on that street was when I encountered a pack of dogs late one night. I kept a safe distance behind them until I got home. Take care.

    Submitted on 2009/10/01 at 6:34am by BlopayGlypelp
    Hey! Genealogical humor! Thanks, Internet!

    Submitted on 2009/10/31 at 11:49am by homemastergoga
    hiii ravin….do a favour for us….plz put a pic of ur love khushi on ur website or orkut…we all wanna see her…..plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……
    davidmgreen.com – go to my favorites!!!

    Submitted on 2009/11/02 at 7:11am by BlopayGlypelp
    I’m in love with you, my Adonis.

    On Blog Entry – Insane about Mad Men (the show. I’m straight.)

    Submitted on 2009/09/29 at 12:44am by yourbig.ru
    If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

    Submitted on 2009/09/30 at 8:00pm by ownbig.ru
    I think what they did to you was unfair and poor customer service

    On Blog Entry – Stand-up Trip to Lol-Ville. Population: Hilarity.

    Submitted on 2009/10/22 at 8:32pm by noemijed
    I have a joke for you =) Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!

    Submitted on 2009/10/27 at 1:06am by carolzun
    I have a joke for you =) Did you hear about the bandit that held up a Chinese restaurant? Half an hour later he was broke.

    Submitted on 2009/10/29 at 2:08am by mireillelig
    I have read a good joke in internet What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

    Submitted on 2009/10/05 at 9:03pm by vickyhuv
    Easy to get ed cheap priaprism at the famouse cheap online site. No prescription required a – buy vigra pill online..

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Hehehe… priapism…