David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour.
>3 years today.
RIP Richard Marsland
1976 – 2008
Still inspiring panel-operators and comedy writers everywhere.
You can listen to my 2007 interview with Richard here:
Richard Marsland interviewed on Radio Adelaide 101.5FM, 29 December 2007 Play Now | Play in Popup | DownloadKind regards,
David M. Green
This is hilarious.
A few weeks ago I received this email out of the blue:
Date: Tue, 18 Oct 2011 15:15:47 +0100
From: Marcus Taylor
Hey David,
Hope you’re having a great start to the week 🙂
I just wanted to get in touch as I came across your Youtube channel and really enjoyed your review of How to Win Friends & Influence People – great book!
I’m currently looking for some awesome video bloggers like yourself to review a book coming out this Thursday called Get Noticed, which is described as being ‘a how to guide to being in the right place at the right time, all the time’ and has been dubbed as a ‘must-read’ by New York Times best selling author Debra Fine.
You would be one of the first people to review this book, so there’s a great exposure opportunity in place. As a little added benefit we’d also be offering you:
Hopefully together we can promote your video and channel to get some benefit from the buzz around the book launch.
If it sounds of interest I can send through a copy of the book and we can go from there!
Now, I get spam like this all the time. So naturally, I did a little research. This guy seemed legit. He’s some author from the UK who’s written what I could only assume was some kind of self-help book.
But what the hell was he contacting me for?
When did I ever review “How to win friends and influence people”?
Oh wait… surely he doesn’t mean THIS…
Ah yes, last year my good friend Lachlan Cowlishaw and I, for a bit of fun, set up a couple of cameras and chairs in Lachlan’s garage and goofed around for a few hours.
We just used things lying around his garage as props. One of them happened to be a copy of the original 1936 self-help book “How to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie. And in the midst of ab-libbing, we made a few references to it.
Okay, so this Marcus guy is familiar with my sarcastic brand of comic japery. And the temptation of a quick buck is a boon for the spam email industry… so I figured I had nothing to lose by asking a few more questions:
Date: Wed, 19 Oct 2011 17:06:34 +1100
From: David M. Green
Hi Marcus,
Thanks for your email. Sounds interesting.
What kind of deadline are you wanting?
DMG
—
Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2011 18:17:22 +0100
From: Marcus Taylor
Hi David,
Cheers,
Marcus
So I took a look at the book. My first reaction was “100 pages!?! This is like an entire book! I don’t have time to read this!”
For the first time in my life, I’m working full time (6 day weeks for a while there) and really don’t have time to do anything.
At the same time I welcomed the opportunity to make another funny video; I don’t seem to make enough of them these days…
I figured this Marcus guy was a savvy character. He’s written a book. He wants to promote it. Surely, he’s sent out dozens of these emails to YouTube people, right?
So I did a browse, but couldn’t find anyone else who had uploaded a review.
I did find one though from the authors themselves:
I also saw THIS, which is just too good to be true…
Note the upload date and number of views for his video “How to Get Noticed on YouTube”:
Okay. So a guy who ironically has a video on YouTube about how to get views on YouTube, that’s had 6 views in 4 months, wants to give me a $7.50 commission for every book I sell for him.
Now, I’m no whiz with these money-making schemes. I sure as hell don’t make any money from this website. How exactly would this work?
I inquired.
Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2011 23:12:13 +1100
From: David M. Green
Cheers Marcus,
I’ll take a look at that.
Just out of interest, how will you track the number of sales I attract?
DMG
—
Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2011 13:20:48 +0100
From: Marcus Taylor
No problem, the sales are tracked with an affiliate tracking code that’s unique to you. So we’ll give you a unique link to the site, which if sales are referred from we’ll know that you referred the sale.
Marcus
—
Date: Sun, 23 Oct 2011 00:48:38 +1100
From: David M. Green
Ok sounds good. And you’d just want me to upload the video to my own YouTube account?
DMG
—
Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2011 17:11:36 +0100
From: Marcus Taylor
yep! 🙂
So long story short, my good friend Anthony McCormack came round and helped me make THIS:
Hold on to your hats folks, because what I’m about to say may shock you…
I don’t think Marcus likes it.
You may have noticed (but you probably didn’t, no offense), there’s no link anywhere in the video or its description for you to go and purchase a copy of “Get Noticed”.
The saga continues…
Date: Sat, 29 Oct 2011 18:38:36 +1100
From: David M. Green
Hi Marcus,
I’ve “reviewed” your book.
If you’d be so kind as to send over that unique tracking code link, I’ll put it in the video description.
Kind regards,
TV’s David M. Green
—
Date: Sun, 30 Oct 2011 14:31:55 +0000
From: Marcus Taylor
Hi David,
I appreciate you taking the time to do this, however I’d like to raise a few points.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SElyyg4C8ig[/youtube]
Also, Get Noticed is not a ‘self help’ book as such, it’s aimed towards creative people & entrepreneurs and is about getting noticed to become more successful at what you do. I did show the video to a few friends who have read the book and they were very confused by the claims you were making.
No hard feelings, but i’d like to ask you kindly if you can remove the video if you wouldn’t mind. I don’t feel it positively serves what either of us are trying to do and I was under the impression from your emails that you were genuinely interested in reading it – I’ve always felt that making personal attacks & uninformed negative reviews publicly is not productive and after all, what goes around tends to come around.
Many thanks,
“Uninformed negative reviews”?
Now personally, the idea that there’s a group of people on the other side of the world “very confused” by my video, I find hilarious.
What I found confusing was how he could set “The All New Garage Show” as the benchmark for a good, wholesome and funny book review (I could just end that sentence there, but there’s more), AND THEN be surprised at the video I produced for HIS book?
Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2011 16:54:15 +1100
From: David M. Green
Hi Marcus,
So, you are aware that I’m a comedian. What exactly were you expecting?
DMG
Hehehe… this just gets better and better…
Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2011 13:46:16 +0000
From: Marcus Taylor
Hi David,
Honestly, I was expecting a genuine review of the book with a touch of humour but in a way that you’d be able to maybe share some of the tips from the book, opposed to humouring the book & myself directly. I wasn’t entirely sure how you’d go about it, but I figured you’d do it in a way slightly differently to most video bloggers, which is kind of what i’m after.
I am going to be living in Melbourne for six months next year, which I notice is where you’re based, so I’ll try and come along to a show if you’ve got anything lined up then as I do enjoy your comedy (obviously excluding the review…) and we’re also looking to do some cool stuff promoting the talents of creative & artistic individuals so i’d be keen to see you do some stand-up.
Is there any possibility that you could remove the video?
Thanks,
Marcus
Hmmm… puts me in a predicament doesn’t it?
Do I take it down in exchange for some “promotion” or do I leave it up and get the “promotion” I was originally promised, like they gave to Mattias Gronborg from Stockholm, who I can only assume “passed” the Get Noticed review challenge:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fW2A1xBdijk
I never seem to learn my own lesson: DON’T WRITE REVIEWS!
The last review I wrote got me kicked off a TV show.
But you know what? This time I’m standing up for free speech.
Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2011 22:02:43 +1100
From: David M. Green
Hi Marcus,
Thank you for the compliments.
I must say though, I find this whole thing fascinating.
You have actually watched that video, yes?
You do realise that in that “review”, Lachlan (Kevin) reveals he hadn’t actually read “How to win friends and influence people”? (This is stated multiple times throughout the video)
So I have not at all misrepresented myself. I have not tricked you into thinking I do serious book reviews. My review of “Get Noticed” was in a similar style.
You say you figured I’d do my review “in a way slightly different to most video bloggers”. I believe I’ve done exactly that.
When you asked me to review your book, you didn’t set any guidelines. You did not say “don’t call it a self-help book”. I apologise if I’ve misrepresented your “it’s aimed towards creative people & entrepreneurs and is about getting noticed to become more successful at what you do” book by calling it a “self-help book”.
In an editorial, I can actually express any opinion I want, so long as it’s not defamatory, which of course it wasn’t. In fact, I think I’ve given you a fairly positive review. The whole video is essentially me saying how great your book is and how everyone should buy it, albeit in a tongue-in-cheek way.
You can’t commission a review and then kick up a fuss when the reviewer doesn’t give you the exact review you want. If you made a film and I gave it 3 stars and you think it’s worth 5, well then bad luck. That’s the risk you take when you put your product out there.
Are you going to hold up your end of the bargain by giving me my affiliate tracking code link?
Kind regards,
David M. Green
And strangely enough I have yet to receive a reply.
I’m guessing I’m not going to see any money from this…
So if you enjoyed my video review of “Get Noticed”, please share the link. Post this to your Facebook or Twitter accounts.
Hey, why not even mention it to @MarcusATaylor or his social media agency @SEOptimise, which I do believe yesterday won “Best Blog” at the 2011 UK Search Awards. Good on ’em.
If you’d actually like to buy a copy of “Get Noticed”, you can do so here. But keep in mind, as I don’t have an affiliate link, I’m not receiving any commission. So if you would be so kind as to use the “donate” button on the left hand side of my website to shoot me over $7.50, I would be very confused.
Also, I have not read this book.
Kind regards,
David M. Green
Hey, made a good blog entry at least.
People are idiots. Evidence as follows:
Fine coffee. Appalling punctuation.
Every week I see menus with shocking spelling. Now would be the time your usual bad-grammar-blogger would mock the “Chinglish” found at Asian restaurants, but hey, how about a little class?
Let’s make fun of Italians!
Spot the mistakes:
Assuming you ignore the capital letters, did you spot all of these:
These are printed menus, by the way… What a joke!
I was at a Williamstown ice-creamery recently. Take a gander at their Licorice Licks:
It’s the flavour that demands followers!
Now for some numerical idiocy:
That 8 looks a little top-heavy…
And finally, ha-ha-have a look at this sign:
Wait a minute… let’s have a closer look…
Yes, who could forget one of Melbourne’s favourite beach-side suburbs… Bondi.
WHAA!?!
Unless by “made” they mean “post-produced”, I’m pretty sure Bondi Vet is made in Sydney.
Maybe they mean the SIGN was made in Melbourne?
People, aye? No freaking idea.
Kind regards,
David M. Green
Sure, everyone makes mistakes, but JESUS!
How long do your sunglasses typically last before you lose them, sit on them or update them as fashion dictates? Two years? Three if you’re lucky?
Try 10!
My combination of looking after things and avoiding spending money, has meant my recently retired ocular sun-wear lasted me an entire decade!
I bought the $30 Polaroid sunglasses from Target in early 2001, in preparation for the Sacred Heart College Middle School Year 9 golf camp.
The cultural impact of “The Matrix” was just starting to make its mark on the Adelaide discount fashion industry. This was a few years before the “over-sized” craze of the mid ’00s, and in hindsight there’s definitely something “New Millennium” about those sunglasses.
They certainly served me well.
Whether it be driving a 1986 Toyota Corolla…
Or driving a 2000 Toyota Corolla…
Those sunglasses were always, if not attached to my face, then certainly within reach.
But they weren’t just useful for driving. I wore those trusty sunglasses on many modes of transport, from Melbourne’s trams…
To South Australia’s fabulous public transport network…
Where ever there was sunlight, I was always prepared.
I had a lot of good times in those sunglasses… if you know what I mean 😉
From wandering around the Sydney Opera House…
Scamming free tickets to things…
And that time I almost fought in ‘Nam…
To working for the man…
To “working” for the man…
Accosting celebrities at airports…
Standing around in Port Adelaide for no reason…
And just wasting time with friends…
But the time to move on is now. Actually the time to move on was probably four years ago. Quite frankly, those sunglasses are kinda gross now. Those little plastic thingies that rest on my nose used to be see-through. Now they’re brown…
So they’ve been banished away to the back of my desk drawer, next to my Rubix Cube and that mini Red Bull some promo girl gave me last year that I still have for some reason.
My face now bears a new pair of sunglasses, which don’t actually look that much different and ironically, are themselves at least five years old…
When I was working at GameTraders Norwood in December 2005, some guy came in and left his – what I assume to be very expensive – Ray-Ban shades on the counter.
So I put them in the draw and after a week and no inquiries, claimed them as my own.
And since then they’ve been waiting in the wings for the moment I killed my primary pair. But curse my habit of not breaking or losing things! They sat in my drawer for FIVE YEARS!
Look out that window. You had your time. The future is our world, old sunglasses. The future is… our time.
Kind regards,
David M. Green
Look after your things. And don’t stare directly into the sun.
On a recent trip to my home town, I was reminded once again how The Advertiser, Adelaide’s only daily newspaper, is just… terrible.
Without even trying to find fault, the complete incompetence of that newspaper bursts forth from its tabloid pages.
And forget about the actual JOURNALISM for a second! How about some FREAKING common sense!?!
Nice placement of the FOOD SECTION:
100 children dying of hunger daily… Shaken and stirred! The secret to Alessandro Pavoni’s 17-minute risotto! MmmmMMMmmm…
And this one’s been frustrating me for years. I can’t believe they haven’t redesigned their reader opinion results graph yet.
Firstly, let’s see how a newspaper with a trace of common sense presents their results. This is from Melbourne’s Herald Sun (oddly enough, owned by the same company – News Ltd):
Quite clearly, more people voted “NO” than “YES”. Okay. All good.
But how does the Adelaide Advertiser present their reader results? Like this:
WHY!?!
WHY DO THEY DO THIS!?!
What is the point of THAT ARROW? It serves NO PURPOSE! Other than to confuse the reader.
If it’s a majority of YES, the arrow points to NO! IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!
It’s like they stole a graphic from the 2007 Federal election and slapped an arrow on it for no reason.
And it’s not like this is a recent graph design. From memory they started printing that graph maybe 2008 or 2009? And they’ve been doing it ever since.
Adelaide is a one paper town, badly in need of a broadsheet alternative.
It fills me with great annoyance every time I return and catch a glance at the paper on my parents’ kitchen table. At least I don’t have to look at it every day.
If you do, you have my sympathy.
Kind regards,
David M. Green
Newspaper critic.
